If any one is around you really must come and read this BBC HYS it is all jokes and most are hilarious

newsforums.bbc.co.uk/nol/thread.jspa?for...p;ttl=20080802232015

A woman's work is never done.....
now we know why she's too busy reading these jokes

Bananaman wrote:
A woman's work is never done.....
now we know why she's too busy reading these jokes

I know, and I don't even feel guilty. We had a great night just reading them. They say a laugh is as good as medicine so I am expecting great things over the next wee while.

Q: What has four legs and a machine gun?

A: A military Coo!!

A man and his wife completely drunk in their bedroom. someone knocked the door. the wife said oh my god, its my husband! her husband jumped out of the window.

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Just to say that I've moved this to The Howff (it started of News but dws has somewhat lowered the tone with his policeman sense of humour !!).

TLJ wrote:
Just to say that I've moved this to The Howff (it started of News but dws has somewhat lowered the tone with his policeman sense of humour !!).

Guilty as charged, your Honour!!

TLJ wrote:
Just to say that I've moved this to The Howff (it started of News but dws has somewhat lowered the tone with his policeman sense of humour !!).

Isn't it terrible TLJ you have got to make him stop my ribs are sore.

I think he is beating the general public on the BBC

David and Edna are walking in the grounds of their mental hospital. They walk past the pool when suddenly David jumps in and doesn't resurface. Edna jumps in after him and pulls him out.
The hospital manager calls her into the office.
"The good news is that we were very impressed by your actions and have decided you no longer need to stay here. The bad news is that David hung himself in the bathroom shortly after his rescue"
Edna replied: "oh he didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry

Thanks, Lydia! I'll post some more tomorrow!

Lydia wrote:

Don't kill him he tells passable jokes just not enough of them

Ok, here's some more, just for you, Lydia.


A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern, takes a seat at the bar next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turns to her and says, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man.
They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replies.
"What a coincidence" she said.

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."