Every month an eldery lady came into the pharmacy for a birth control prescription.

After a couple of months of this, the pharmacist finally got the nerve to ask her why, at her age, she was taking birth control.

She replied,"Oh, I put one in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and it helps me sleep at night."

Englishman, Scotsman, Irishman chatting about how they named their sons.

Englishman "My son was born on St Georges day so we called him George"

Scotsman "My son was born on St Andrews day so we called him Andrew"

Irishman " Oh Be Jaysus, the same thing happened with me and my son pancake"

My mother in law was attacked by a shark whilst swimming in Australia & after 4 hrs of intricate, near death operation the surgeons managed to save the shark.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision..

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship, I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US MISSOURI. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

Canadians: THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE. Your call.

The local pub was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man around that it offered a standing ?1,000 bet that no could beat him. The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.
Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"
"No" the man replied, "I work for the Inland Revenue."

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden they smell bacon

They struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon, all sorts of bacon

Luis races toward the tree. He gets to within 5 meters when a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down. He manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath,

'Ees not a bacon tree.'

Ees....

a Ham Bush

LYDIA REID wrote:
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision..

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship, I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US MISSOURI. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

Canadians: THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE. Your call.

That wasn't a joke Lydia, that actually happened, but it wasn't Canada, it was in the antipodes, I think.

dws wrote:
LYDIA REID wrote:
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision..

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship, I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US MISSOURI. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

Canadians: THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE. Your call.

That wasn't a joke Lydia, that actually happened, but it wasn't Canada, it was in the antipodes, I think.

Ruined DWS I laughed at that I did not know it was serious

I am sure this one happened too

Two Welsh ladies at bus stop;
Hello Mrs Jones
Hello Mrs Davis
Have you heard about Mrs Griffith's Daughter?
No, whats that then?
Getting married she is
Oh pregnant is she?
No
Ooo there's posh for you!

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building�

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

-The 1st floor sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs
-The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
-The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

-She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

-Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

-Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

-The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
-The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

-The 3rd - 6th floors have never been visited.

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.



MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things
that are important to each other."
He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Self raising, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.


WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

Sipping Vodka!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do! not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me"!

12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Nice one, Brenna!

Here's some more:

This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."


.............................................................................


A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The copper said, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"


............................................................................


A father was very anxious to marry off his daughter so he wanted tried impress her first date. "Do you like to screw?" he asks.

"Huh?!" replied the surprised young man.

"My daughter, she loves to screw and she's very good at it. You and she should go screw." carefully explained the father.

Now very interested, the boy replied, "Yes, sir!" Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left.

After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, "Dammit, Daddy, get it right, it's the TWIST!"

Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.

"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.

"Nope."

"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.

"Nope."

"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.

"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."

"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"


.........................................................


This guy's wife asks, "Honey if I died would you remarry?"

He replies, "Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, I guess I would."

She says, "If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?"

He replies, "We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house, I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?"

and he says, "That bed is brand new, we just paid two thousand dollars for it, it's going to last a long time, I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"

and he says, "Oh no, she's left handed."



Edit: at the one below, Lydia!

I was walking past the local asylum the other day and all the patients were shouting, 13....13....13...

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Someone poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting, 14....14....14...