Every Sunday morning, Grandpa would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. One particular Sunday he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?"
"Oh yes, Grandpa" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shithead anywhere we went today!"

Scientists have found a food which can be detrimental to your health and well being, years after it's been consumed.
*
*
- Wedding cake!

(It's been a good week for Irish jokes.)

Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub.

Mick says to Paddy, 'I cant be bothered to walk all that way.'

'I know,' says Paddy, 'but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot,' Mick suggests.

They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, 'Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'

Paddy shouts back, 'I can't find a No. 91.'

'Oh bejasus, ye thick eejit! Take the No.14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.'

An American couple were visiting Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwillanty iliogogogoch in north Wales and went into a cafe for some food.
When the waitress came up to take their order the husband said,
"before we order can you say the name of where we are, but say it very slowly so that we can understand".

The waitress leaned towards them and said....

Buuuurrrrgggerrrrrrr Kiiinnnnngggg

Police report that a woman was mugged by three gay men last night.

Two held her down whilst the other did her hair.

it was a picture which I had e-mailed to me but i cannot get it to copy

An Irishman, is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, Oi am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, Oi haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No,Oi I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again ---
But this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?'

Good one Brenna

A man goes into a shop which has a fine display of antique clocks in the window.
"I'd like to buy a clock" says the prospective customer.
The assistant is very apologetic and says "I'm very sorry, sir, but we don't sell clocks."
"Really! A fine clock shop this is!" the man replies.
"Actually we're not a clock shop at all - we neuter cats."
says the assistant.
"Then why have you all those clocks in the window?" the man asks.
"What do you suggest we put in the window?" replies the assistant

I like that one so I've "borrowed" it to pass on.

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord:

I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through.

So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.

Amen!"

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes,

Fed them breakfast,

Packed their lunches,

Drove them to school,

Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,

Took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then, it was already 01P.M.

And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,

Dust,

And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and snack and got the kids organized to do their homework.

Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper,

He cleaned the kitchen,

Ran the dishwasher,

Folded laundry,

Bathed the kids,

And put them to bed.

At 09 P.M .

He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.

I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.

Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.

Amen!"

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night."

Many aspects of human sexuality such as celibacy are very puzzling.

This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men. "Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered, "Self raising, isn't it?"

Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland '

The other guy responds proudly,

'Yes, that I am'

The first guy says, 'So am I

And where about from Ireland might you be?'

The other guy answers,

'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

The first guy responds,

'Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other guy says,

'A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says,

'Faith & it's a small world, so did I. So did I.

And to what school would you have been going?'

The other guy answers,

'Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other guy answers,

'Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims,

'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!

I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.

Can you believe it, I graduated from St.. Mary's in 1964 my own self.'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight'

Vicky asks,

'Why do you say that, Brian?'

'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

3 men- Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman playing golf with their wives caddying for them.

The Englishman gets his ball into the hole 1st and his wife goes to retrieve it. As she bends over a gust of wind lifts her skirt and reveals no undies.
"Good grief Mabel!" he cries, "where's your undies?" Mabel sweetly replies, "George Dear, you don't give me enough money to buy any!" So he hands her £50 and tells her get some next time she's shopping!

The Irishman sinks his ball next and the very same thing happens. "For the love of Mary,Mary! Where's yer drawers?" He pleads. "Sure, Patrick yer short wi the house keeping. I can't afford any!" He hands her £70 with instructions to go buy new ones ASAP!

Lastly the Scotsman gets his ball into the hole.... and sure enough when his wife bends over to get it.... a definite lack of undies!
"For gooodness sake Janet! Where are yer knickers??" "Aye weel Jamesie, ye ken ye dinna gie me enough tae buy them!
So the Scotsman puts his hand inside his jacket...."Weel then Dear, here" he hands her a comb, "at least tidy yersell up a bit!!"

A blonde was "dispatched" to Heaven.


On arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we've been forced to devise an entrance exam for new arrivals, to ease the burden on Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of'?

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is - which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?

The second is - 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is - 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave the three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that the answer was indeed correct.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second question?'


St Peter went on, 'How many seconds in a year?'

The blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said,

'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision' and he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.

'I'll allow the answer to stand, But you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.

Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited 'til his billy boiled.'

..... the blonde entered Heaven .....

As 'tis the season to be jolly...

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross mouse cards.